It’s one of those thoughts that crosses my mind more often than I’d like to admit. I mean, I love my boys more than I could ever begin to explain, but sometimes I lose my temper just because they’re being toddlers. They’re wrestling, being too loud, or making too much of a mess, and I’m tired. Or under-caffeinated. Or just fed up with the chaos. Sometimes I’m a bad mom.
I love being home with them. Being a stay at home mom was all I wanted when I was younger, and I was thrilled that we were able to make this work for us. My husband works hard all day at his job, and I work hard all day at mine. We both sacrifice for our family. But sometimes, I feel like I’m burning out at motherhood. Please tell me I’m not alone in this.
Motherhood is a constant struggle to do what is best for your kids while simultaneously avoiding tantrums, drama, and arguments. It’s giving in sometimes and letting someone have a cookie at 9am because you don’t have the energy to fight about it today. It’s being a Certified Health Coach (ahem)and knowing the best foods for kids, yet feeding them french fries more than I’d like to admit. It’s watching a 3 year old spill something after you told him 75 times not to play with his food, and then yelling at him about it before you can stop the words from coming out. It’s the instant regret you feel sometimes, and the instant pride you feel other times.
Sometimes, I’m a bad mom.
Motherhood is hard. There’s really not a simpler way to put it. The overwhelming responsibility and fear that we feel for these tiny people that we brought into this world is enough to make me cry when I think about it. And it’s also enough to make me feel like I’m going to break when everything feels so heavy. Sometimes I tell myself that I can’t handle it, that I wasn’t cut out for this, and that they deserve better. And sometimes, I’m really convinced that’s true.
But other times, I’m so patient that I am genuinely impressed with how I’m handling the situation. Dang, self… look at you being all calm and mature. Sometimes I play, kiss booboos, teach lessons, cook healthy dinners, and feel amazing at the end of the day. Some days I’m able to get my toddlers to eat their vegetables without a fight, and get in and out of Target without an argument. Not in the same day. I’m not a magician.
Some days I really think I want more babies, because I love mine so much. Other days, I’m convinced I’m done having babies because I can’t handle any more chaos. Often, these thoughts occur multiple times in the same day, and I wonder if I’m beginning to go crazy.
Sometimes, I’m a bad mom. I yell, I feel guilty, and I beat myself up about it as I lay in bed at night. But sometimes, I’m a great mom. I’m patient, loving, and give my kids exactly what they need to flourish. I’m a bad mom, and I’m an awesome mom. Like, really awesome. I’m human. I make mistakes, I have regrets, and I’m flawed beyond belief. But I’m also loyal, loving, honest, and funny. It’s ok to be a bad mom sometimes, because if we were never bad moms, we’d never be able to be great moms too. We’d miss the opportunities to show the power of an apology, the importance of forgiveness, and why we should choose our words carefully. There’s so many learning moments there.
But most importantly, we’d never be able to show our kids that you never stop learning. That even grown-ups make mistakes. And that it’s ok to forgive yourself for them. Sometimes, I’m a bad mom, but my kids love me. They believe in me. And I was made to be their mama.